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Last night Shai had a rough night. Maybe her tummy hurt, maybe she was hot, or cold, or whatever. I couldn’t get her settled and I didn’t want to wake up Niv so I brought S to bed where she cuddled up tight to me and settled, her little hand stroking my face. As I ran my hand through her curls and down her perfect miniature back I wondered how I could etch those moments into my brain. Bottle them up and take a whiff now and then as she grows up and out of baby.  At the rough moments when I lie in bed at night wondering if I am a good enough mother to my girls, remind myself of the sweet smell of baby curls next to me in bed, happy and content.

I remember thinking the same thing when Niv was a baby – and did I manage to carve those moments into my memory? Are they embedded there? Because when I look at her now – no baby traces left in her long legs and smooth hair, I feel a thrill at watching her become…herself, but there’s a small, nagging sense of loss. Did I enjoy her enough? Did I process those moments? I do remember some, watching her profile as she nursed, her eyes closed, fat little leg flung over my shoulder. But some memories are just vague feelings of contentment, of joy. I want them filed and categorized, alphabetized and dated, accessible to me whenever I want a glimpse back to these moments with my girls from yesterday, last week, last month, years ago.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. dana
    October 29, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    This is so beautiful and so sad. I think about this almost every day and wish I had some kind of dvd player that I can hook up to my memories…

  2. October 29, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    Thank you Dana – I know exactly what you mean!

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